At times, I was really angry at my own siblings and to my concern that I will leave home if this continue to be bad. I hate to be scolded for nothing, I hate to be an anger person just because someone from home giving me headache, I hate to suffer and absorb those painful words and treats it like nothing later on. I was not a person with a big heart, I was not a person with a kind soul, I was not a person with an optimistic attitude. I hold grudges, I pay revenge (scold back la, of course not being like those evil people to whack or do something worst than beaten up someone), and I try to rebel and talk back to my parents. Well, somehow I still do like rebel and talk back la. At least I'm trying to change the perspective of how I deal or view the situation as right now. Sometimes, I keep it to myself, I deal things with myself. People tend to say you look like you don't need to stress at all, you are like happy go lucky person, you laugh and smile all the time. I totally agree with how the way they look at me, or describe me, because that's what the mask I'm wearing right now. I did not like to share my family stuff and my feelings to people around me, it feels like I'm just sharing and people would just say, it's okay, family ma. Well, I know but it's just does not feel so right. I need someone to talk to sometimes but I just could not find one. It's like because they don't understand what I'm going through. I struggle with depression last year and I fought it myself. I tend to do things alone and I feel fine with it. It's not that I would want to, it's because I'm afraid of confronting people how I feel. Right now, I do tell out what problems I'm facing yet, my parents would just want me to dissolve it and treats like nothing happen. I did not want to make it big but it's just my attitude and my temper that could not be hidden. I'm being like a small kid complaining daily about what is going on, so I felt like this is too childish. I tend to hide now, I tend to take it and hold back, I tend to be fine but I'm not. I feel like it's not fair for me. FML

These time, I scared. I scared to fall in love with someone I feel comfortable with. I scared to lose another one I love and I want to be with. I don't know why. Now when it comes to decide whether to go on with someone, I will think too much. Will he able to meet up the requirements I stated? Will he be able to take care of me? Will he able to give me what I need? All these questions makes me feel that I'm selfish but the truth is, I can give him loyalty, I can give him the love he needs, I can give him a family, of course in return, will I able to receive what I deserve? People said love should be selfless but I wanted to protect my fragile heart. I didn't want to end up like how my previous relationship ended up. I do what I deserve to have when I know I could give much more compare to my future-other half. One thing for sure, I do not know if he would at least be there when I need him. That's the few questions I'm actually thinking of. 

People often said it's hard to meet the right person. When the right person appears, they will have an excuse to say it's not the right timing. How do we measure these circumstances? What do you mean by the timing is wrong when it comes to love? I don't understand. Do you mean by you want to hang onto the particular person until you found another one and compare? It's that the reason when you say the timing is wrong? Love doesn't mean you can make someone wait for you. If he or she doesn't choose to wait and look for the next one; then you could point at them and say they are player? Hey, they just don't want to waste time on waiting someone for nothing. Everyone deserve a chance to try for. Why is it so hard to have a chance to try? Are you afraid to fall in love?

So my previous post was about my close friend going through a brain surgery right? She is all fine now. In fact she is recovering well, just that she needs more rest. Thank God, she is alright :) Well, i know how it feels recovering from the surgery tho. Firstly, you feel all super pain as your numb is slowly gone. That feels, ugh! No more. Then you had to go for some treatment and etc. So, the process is all about your willing and strength to see how fast you could recover >.< Anyway, it's a brand new month. It's March! Time flies~ oh well, it's a good thing isn't? No, it means I'm getting older day by day. I'm already 25 this year, WHAT! Oh no. It's just sometimes, when you want to stop for a moment, you feel like there's no time to waste anymore. You got to do something to make your life meaningful. This year, I got my resolution kind of right, I hope :P I'm starting to love the feeling of going exercise and being all sweaty. It's just like you did something very hard and all, once you're done for the day, you feel so refreshed and feels satisfying, you know, motivated as well. So I'm going to start to hit on gym and jazzercise and badminton tho :) I hope it does last, I mean my motivation. LOL. For a person who's lazy like me, usually it doesn't last long, but it's the 3rd month, I think I'm really into it already? No? Just finger cross alright. I hope the next time I blog, I would tell myself that I did it? Not to anyone but myself ok :P oh well, let's challenge myself and see :)

Saddened by the news in the morning just now. Found out that my close friend, she's going to go through surgery in these two weeks. Felt real terrible sorry when I heard about it. All prayers go to her and her family. Hope this strong women is real strong. Never know that I will be able to talk to her closely again. Been too long never see her. Hope everything will be smooth for her.

What is there to lost once you've lose to love?

What is there to afraid if you are ready to accept to get hurt?

Everything you do, you've expected the consequences

So what is there to regret anymore?