when you pick me up my favourite songs are always playing. you tell me not to speak, wanting to explain what is going on. i have always care for you, love seeing you, getting upset whenever you are away for few days, fighting with you, hearing from you. however, now seems that I have hate you at the same time. despised you more than any person i know. you made me hurt in a way that i have never experienced, you embarrassed me, you left me. until today, i have been crying when i think about the day you left me without a word, a reason that i could accept. i laid on bed, thinking is it my fault? am i not giving enough what you want? or i am just not perfect to fit you? then, i slowly convince myself not to think about it. i tried to clear you off from my mind by drowning myself into assignments and busy doing something else rather than thinking of you. i did pretty well success by doing so. till yesterday night, i attend the farewell gathering of Y's and you were there. seeing you made me livid again. you did not deserve to even be in the same place as me. you did not deserve my glances, you of course knew that. we fought when around each other, friends are complaining about the tension we left in the air but we did not care, we have never even care. 

then today, you took the effort to message me, to convince me the importance of our relationship. after everything fell apart, you came back to me and i told you that i can't let you in. i want to, i want to be to hold your hand, i want to walk under your arm and feel small, trust me, i want all these, but i can't. you told me how much you have done to keep me close as we walked around. the flowers that i thought were from a friend, just as friend. you have always been there to keep me accompanied but i have no idea. hearing you say that you want me and only me really makes me feels like just a dream because other than you, no one would have said that. i had no idea that i had the ability to care any more but i still can't let go. there is still something holding me back. whether or not this will happen again, i can't know. jumping in head first brought me more pain that i ever thought imaginable. i am here to say that i am willing to eventually walk up to the shore and ease into that sea where we left us but right now, i am not even close to the water