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Random
It's not much a realization as it is my total acceptance of it. I've always known I was in love with him, I just really never stop to think about it. I couldn't, we are so click. Sigh. I've realized I loved him when he started dating a girl that we went tuition with. He was funny with his humorous jokes. A sweet and kind guy. Perfection. Girls like being with him. I'm the type that will begin to dislike you for getting the guy I want, even if you aren't perfect. Yes, I was crushed. Watching them love each other day after day was something I would typically not be able to handle in the least. This case was unique in that I really only cared that if he is happy, no matter how much it hurts me. His girlfriend actually didn't want me to be close with her boyfriend, as she thinks that it's not proper for me to be so close to a guy who has girlfriend. So, I argued with her, telling her how much I hated her for having him, trying to destroy our friendship, having fun with other guys while having him as boyfriend, and saying loudly that I would do anything to get him back into my life.
So, from that time onwards, I keep texting him, calling him non stop. Sometimes, I even pretend to be mad just to made him comfort me with all those good words I want to hear from him. At the same time, he has been arguing with his girlfriend. He releases his emotion in front of me, crying in front of me. That moment, I felt so heart pain and I hugged him right away and whispered, "It's okay, I'll always be there for you". I assumed he didn't hear anything and I too, pretend I didn't say it as well. The next day, I bumped into his girlfriend, and I started the argument by saying, if you don't love him, let him go, don't lock him by yourself and makes him suffer like this. She laughed and said that he is her boy and she can do whatever she wanted, and it has nothing to do with me. I knew and I understand it well but I just couldn't let her do this to him and I just slapped her in her face, then walked away. I knew I made a big mistake and things can't be the same again. I knew he will come to me and break our friendship. Yes, I'm already telling myself this will be the conclusion, nothing can be change any more. So yes, he did confront me and sounded me off. Then, slowly rumours spreading that I was trying to snatch him away from his girlfriend. I was real embarrassed at that moment. He sent me a text message saying that, "best friend shudnt be like dat. u shud blessed us with sincerity, i know how you feel, but it shudnt be this way, im real disappointed with u". Our friendship ended just like that. For the past few months, I really felt like I'm in hell and have been crying over losing a best friend.
From that moment, I knew that having a best guy friend actually doesn't work. You either try not falling for them or you should just leave once you know he has a girlfriend. Thus, my feelings for him has hidden down in my heart.
After 5 years have passed, it was real coincident that we found each other contact in the social apps we both have. I was hesitating for two days, to or not to add him. I scared he was mad, still disappointed, still have not forgive for what I've done. Then, I just leave it and pretend I didn't see it. Few days later, my phone rang and I've got notification from the social apps. IT WAS HIM. That moment of joy, couldn't be expressed by words. It's just that I'm too happy that he actually approaches me. I tears badly. He said that he was looking for me all around in social network, keep calling my old number but I've changed. Keep emailing me, but I've changed too. He said he miss me. He miss the moment where I could make him smile again when he's down. He miss the moment where every night we have to talk on the phone before we sleep. He missed all these. I'm glad that we are once again becoming friends. We didn't talk much now, it's just a few messages of concerning each other. I keep thinking of him again. I keep checking whether is he on whatsapp or not. I keep on checking whether did he message me or not. Guess the feelings for him will come back soon again but I know things will never be the same again.
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2:16 AM
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